Changes…Good or Bad

I’ve been mulling this post over for a few days.  I started and trashed at least three versions of this post and finally decided to just go with a stream of consciousness post this morning.  Forgive me if this rambles a bit.

The issues that were causing the “performance issues” appear to have been identified and corrected.  Let’s face it, I am 50 and as a guy gets older certain parts of the body start getting larger…the prostate.  After finally going to the urologist and getting on a medicine to minimize the effects of moderate BPH the performance issues have gone away…for the most part.  If I forget the medicine in the morning there is still a little bit of ED.  So, the change of agreeing to go see the urologist was a good one.

When all of the performance issues started I was struggling with how my body reacted while locked in the Steelheart.  I felt like maybe, just maybe, the base ring was causing an issue when it was off.  I have it sized correctly, I can get my finger under the base ring to at least one knuckle when it is throttling an attempted erection.  However, in the back of my mind I felt like there was some damage being done.  I guess that was not the case.  I have a trip to Jakarta, Indonesia in two weeks and as much as I want to go back under MrsL’s lock right now…I am waiting.  Even though she keeps hinting at locking me up she hasn’t.  So, in the case of chastity…I think the change was both good and bad.  There are two reasons why it is bad.  Here’s why.

MrsL is very much a creature of habit.  Although she really enjoys how sensitive my body becomes after just a few hours of chastity, the lightest touch anywhere on my body sends me reeling, I think she likes the simplicity of not having to unlock me when she wants sex.  Now, the good thing about that is she seems to be trying to make up lost time.  She has allowed me three orgasms in a week.  The bad thing about that is she has allowed me three orgasms in a week.  My brain has started slipping to the point where they are no longer “special”.  They are becoming routine again.  Not good!

I have thought about just locking myself up, taking the emergency key, and freezing it in a bag of ice.  However, I know that the one thing she told me the last time I did that still rings in my head every time I go to lock myself up:  “I guess you don’t need me to lock you up…!”  So, I guess the good thing is she still has intentions of locking me up. The bad thing is I am getting impatient!

The really BAD thing is that I feel myself backsliding toward old habits.  No, I haven’t broken the cardinal rule of masturbating to an orgasm.  However, it is so satisfying stroking myself.  I have edged myself more times than I care to count and have even been visiting old porn sites.  The most fascinating of those sites is Chaturbate.  Basically, people performing on their own cameras for the world to see.  As usual, I find myself drawn to the guys.  Watching guys, of all shapes and sizes, work out, stroke, play with dildos, and generally show off is exciting.  The newest craze on there is vibrating butt plugs from OhMyBod.  These toys are programmed to react to the sound of the performer getting “tips” via online tokens…yes…they are getting “tipped” for their performances (not paid but tipped).  I have also found several guys who are locked in chastity performing.  Interesting!  I’m so tempted to just broadcast myself, albeit without ever showing my face, as I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak.  But that will probably never happen.  So, I am allowing not being in the Steelheart to effect how I act.  BAD!!

I do know; however, what I need to do to get back on track even without being locked up:  bubble baths, foot massages, CFNM until 21 comes home, and getting back to trying to win MrsL’s love daily!  That is the GOOD change needed.

One other change, well not so much a change as coming to the forefront, is the non stop fascination with being cuckolded.  The whole idea is erotically energizing and immensely terrifying!  As I’ve noted before back when we started chastity again MrsL agreed to read several of the more prevalent ebooks about chastity.  One of the topics in all of those books was cuckolding.  I never brought it up; however, after finishing the 3 books she broached the subject with me.  Now, it was more of an inquisitive line of questioning from her trying to understand the whole concept and not a “that sounds like fun” type of deal.  However, the only thing she said then and says about my confessed fantasies of being shown off in chastity to her friends is:  “I will NEVER share you with another woman.”  I know…very open ended and subject to my kinky mind’s interpretation.  With my bisexual urges becoming stronger I am teetering on the edge of the precipice of broaching the subject with her.  However, I am simply afraid it would begin to unravel our relationship.  I am definitely torn on this one:  good and bad!

I am going to talk to her tomorrow on the 3 hour drive over to help 21 move home for the summer.  The topics will be chastity once I get back from Indonesia, discipline (which will be sparse with 21 at home for 3 months), and where she wants our kinky relationship to go.  Stay tuned.



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