Okay, fair warning….I am just a little drunk right now. Had a great day at work that finished early enough for happy hour at the hotel bar. I drank a full bottle of Merlot and although I need to be doing more prep for my investigation tomorrow I am sitting here looking at Tumblr and typing this post. My apologies up front for the ramblings. It is amazing how a little alcohol can bubble up some true feelings.
When I get home this week I am going to fully express my deep seated need to be truly submissive and my full on masochism to MrsL. She, and hell even I, still thinks that “playing hard” means I should always get sexual satisfaction from the sexual play. I have come to realize that I need the pain. I want the pain. If the penis gets erect and I get some sexual satisfaction or not doesn’t really matter to me…it is about submitting and accepting the pain. MrsL and I were both frustrated after Sunday night…even though she will never admit it. When we talked briefly Monday, she said something that is true: I get an erection (at least before the performance issues) early when we start a scene and once it is gone…I can’t get it back. Honestly, when I look at BDSM porn most of the time the masochistic sub doesn’t have an erection either. I have to explain this to her and hopefully she will understand.
I am also torn on whether or not I should tell MrsL about my rekindled desires related to men as well as a rapidly rising curiosity with all things cuckloding! However, I definitely don’t want to do or say anything to jeopardize our 28 years together. I truly love her and am IN LOVE with her! I would NEVER want to do or say anything to hurt her and I am quite certain if I ever confessed these desires to her it would end our marriage.
As for the bar tonight…it is crawling with hot young college guys working their way through college. One of them (we’ll call him Tom) has been working here awhile, remember I spent the better part of 4 months here last year, and the other one (we’ll call him Sunshine as in Remember the Titans) is just absolutely gorgeous. Tom has that classic tall lean sexy build. Short cropped black hair spiked up just a bit accentuates his Midwestern good looks. He has a casual sexiness oozing our of every pore on his body. Sunshine, on the other hand, is a tall, natural curly blond with biceps so big his sleeves look like they are about to rip open. He sports a noticeable healthy bulge in his black work pants. I thought up about 50 different ways to invite Sunshine and Tom up to my room tonight but those thoughts never left the caverns of my mind. Whether or not I am in the Steelheart doesn’t matter to me as it relates to sexual interactions with men. Quite honestly, I actually think being in the Steelheart would be the appropriate state for me while sucking a hot cock or having someone fuck me. Alas, I must leave these desires in the wispy shadows of my mind because I need MrsL MUCH MORE than I want to have a sexual interaction with a guy.
Unless, it involves being cuckolded! She actually asked about it early on more from an definition standpoint but she did ask. She has repeated hundreds of times she will never share me with another woman which in my mind leaves open the possibility of sharing me with a guy…or more appropriately me willingly sharing her with another guy hoping to be “forced” into pleasing her by pleasing him.
Opening Day for MLB is Saturday! I love baseball and have since I was a kid. My Mom taught me the game. She loved baseball as well. We would sit together and watch the Cubs on WGN or the Braves on TBS at least once a week when I was a kid. I miss her!
While I enjoy MLB my real love of the game is at the college level. As a matter of fact I am watching the Auburn / Alabama game right now on ESNPU at the hotel. There is nothing more pure than watching young men playing their hearts out for the love of the game than the College World Series. Yes, some of them are playing for big time signing bonuses and careers. Most of them; however, will never play the game again. Sure they will coach or maybe even umpire…but they will never play again.
Okay, I’ve rambled long enough and the wine is making me type sentences two or three times as I gently nod off if my fingers aren’t moving fast enough. Have a good night.