Just not feeling festive

Sorry for not writing in a few days. I have been on this massive roller coaster ride of feelings recently and finally figured it out this afternoon. I’m just not feeling very festive this year. Let me explain.  

Everything is great on the kinky front. MrsL is still enjoying free unfettered access to her penis when she wants and I am on the longest streak of not having an orgasm in several months. Oh, she teases and frustrates me often…even magnificently ruining an orgasm a couple of nights ago (more on that in a later post). With the New Year around the corner and the EvotionWearables ring finally arriving there are constant hints about being back under lock and key soon. So all is good there.

26 is doing very good. He officially graduated last week and he and his girlfriend have moved into an apartment with a guy from his rehab place.  He is actively seeking full time employment. They will both be here tomorrow night after work to celebrate Christmas. 

20, soon to be 21, is great. Dean’s List again. On track to graduate in 4 years. He is my rock when it comes to maturity! 

My issue is the upcoming trip back to Tennessee to see my family…well really…to see my Dad. 

My Mom passed from cancer 13 years ago. Holidays are always bittersweet. Especially Christmas because she loved this time of year. My Dad and I are close but nowhere as near as close as I was with Mom! Ok..call me a Momma’s Boy…GUILTY! My problem is not 9 months after Mom passed…Dad remarried his high school sweetheart. She lost her husband about 3 years before Mom passed so Dad reached out to her as a person to confide in and talk through his grief. Ever since then, things are just, well, different!

The house I grew up in, I used to call home, feels weird. I mean I feel like a stranger there. I mean when there is no sign that my Mom ever existed in that house and all of her clothes and cooking utensils and pictures of her family have all replaced Dad’s kids & grandkids I don’t like it! Shirley, not her real name, also suffers from bouts of depression and it has come to my attention as of late that she gets nasty with him when she is going through one of her bouts! I don’t want to disappoint Dad…but I just don’t feel welcome there. 

I forgot to mention where I grew up. I grew up on a small farm out in the country…so far out that we still had “party line” phone service into the late 70’s.  When you couple the location with the fact that he doesn’t have internet and cell phone coverage is near on non existent forcing everyone to sit around and engage in small talk…well…it just makes for a long visit. As I said, I don’t want to disappoint Dad and I do Love him I just struggle internally leading up to the visit.

This year we get to add in the extra stress of my sister and brother both being addicts, both having DUI’s recently, and neither of them have a job/car/or means of support.  I’ve dealt with enough addiction this year.

Am I being selfish…probably. 

So this afternoon, I lost it! MrsL and I were talking and I just lost it! I finally admitted, out loud, that I just didn’t want to go home. I cried (not afraid to admit that either) knowing the desire to see my Dad had been overwhelmed by the dislike of Shirley and the disdain I had for my siblings. I know, they didn’t choose to become addicted but the problem is they aren’t ready for help. I mean my brother just got out of the county jail for violating his probation. I’m embarrassed and frustrated. 

After letting all of that pent up negative energy go I thought I would soon be feeling festive; alas, the spirit of the season still alludes me. Hopefully, having just MrsL, 26 and the girlfriend (who by the way is growing on us), and 20 all together tomorrow will get me in the spirit…let’s hope. 

Whatever you and your family celebrate: I hope you have a great time: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Joyous Kwanza! 


One thought on “Just not feeling festive

  1. Enough to make you wonder what good it is even being an adult!! You’re being kinder with your dad than I am able to bring myself to be with mine. So glad to hear the boys are well and you’re all celebrating together!

    Like

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