Trying to stay positive 

Yesterday was the first time I had full on panic set in concerning 25. I feel better today but it was a rough few hours yesterday! 

We were at 20’s college game anxiously awaiting halftime for his band to unveil their show for the year. I glance over at MrsL and she frantically typing a text to someone…of course I ask who and why. It was one of 25’s old friends / former girlfriend (we will call her Chyna-she taught English in China for 2 years after college) from high school. We weren’t fans of her during that time as she was a bit emo and he followed her down that path for awhile. After his first rehab she came over and told us she would never tell us if he relapsed and was using. Her exact words, at the time, “it’s his life and if he wants to do that I’m not going to say anything.” Well that was 7 years ago before she lost two close friends (and nearly a third with 25) to heroin! 

Chyna felt compelled to reach out because not only was he ignoring her text/phone calls he appeared to have given his phone to his “girlfriend” and she told Chyna “he doesn’t want to talk to you.” 

That, in and of itself, is troubling as Chyna is the only person that 25 truly considers a friend that he always reached out to when he needs to talk. So we both missed most of the 2nd quarter texting 25, the director of his sober living program, and his sponsor. In one of his replies to me he said he was at Panera doing homework…which leading up to his OD was the excuse he gave when leaving the house to get high.

MrsL and I both completely forgot all we have learned in our Nar Anon Family group meetings! We both forgot we can’t control what he does so stop trying. We both asked the other if we should leave the game, drive 3 hours, find him and ask him to explain what is happening. ALMOST!

Between text replies from the sober living staff and 25 coupled with talking it through we realized “we can’t control what he does,” settled back in to watch the game, and thoroughly enjoyed 20’s new show!

On the way home, between being teased and edged, we discussed everything. Let’s face it, 25 is on Vivitrol. This is an injected time released anti opiate that helps with cravings and blocks the high. He knows the only way to get  the heroin high while on Vivitrol 99.9 times out of 100 will result in death as it takes so much to get past the Vivitrol to get the high it is fatal. He is being drug tested 3 to 4 times a week. We have not been called by anyone that he is missing meetings, phone calls with his sponsor, etc. He has a job and is proud to be earning his own way and not having to ask for money. Granted, the sober living team doesnt want him to get in a relationship and we agree but we can’t control what he does.  We have met the young lady and she is in recovery as well and comes from a really horrible background. She is not right for him…not right now. 

It is so tough! I want to just scream sometime over this whole deal…maybe it will help? What does help is understanding addiction is a disease, we didn’t cause the disease, we can’t control him or his actions, and it is truly his recovery to manage. 

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