At the recommendation of the folks from 25’s residential facility, MrsL and I have both been going to Nar Anon Family Group sessions. I must admit I went with some hesitation because, well, I am a stubborn mule headed guy and didn’t think it would be beneficial. Boy, have I discovered just how wrong I am.
First, I grew up in a hyper religious anti alcohol family. My maternal grandfather was a life long alcoholic and my Mom has suggested but never came right out and admitted he did very bad things to her as a girl. So, we were dragged to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday night. As I got older I begin to question organized religion but never my spirituality. I’ve long since stopped going to any organized religion because I truly believe they are part of the problem in today’s society; however, I am discovering a true spirituality through self reflection and daily meditation.
After my bout with guilt after last Tuesday night’s meeting I went back to my hotel room and opened up the little blue booklet they gave us at our first meeting. I have carried it with me every day but truly never opened it other than to remind myself of the words for the Serenity Prayer. The first page had the following excerpt from a Sanskrit Poem
Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all of the verities and realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendor of beauty.
For yesterday is but a dream
and tomorrow only a vision.
But today, well lived, makes
Every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
Such is the salutation of the dawn.
As I read that last Tuesday evening, an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. I don’t know, nor do I really care at this point, what caused that calmness. It just came. It was powerful. I now read that every morning and get that same feeling of calmness. It begins at my shoulders and pulses through my body to my feet and has made every day since Tuesday remarkable.
So, why was I having such crushing guilt? I want to thank all of my Twitter family/friends for also helping me through that evening. You guys are amazing! As I tweeted about: a Mom my age (50ish) and a young woman came to the meeting. I thought they were Mom and daughter. No. Mom and fiancee. When the meeting opened the Mom spoke: her son, engaged to and the father of a two year old, had been clean from heroin for three years and doing fantastic. On August 4th, and they don’t know why, he used again. He overdosed and passed away. She struggled talking and had the whole room in tears. As she recounted how he was at home but no one could save him guilt began to creep in my soul. It was nearly overpowering to the point that I considered running out of the meeting but I stayed; however, instead of sticking around and interacting with folks for a few minutes afterward I immediately left and called MrsL…voicemail! I got a text she was still at her sisters over near 20’s school (after taking him a few things he forgot to pack). I then went to the bar at the hotel and had a glass of wine (any one sense the irony in that?) The wine didn’t help! So I retreated to my room and broke down sobbing uncontrollably for several minutes. That is when I decided to grab the Nar Anon book and see IF it could help and reached out to Twitter.
I realize now that I had no reason to feel guilty. I haven’t yet figured out what my “higher power” truly is or what gives me that sense of calm daily as I read the verse above but I do know that there is some type of spirituality here. Thanks for reading!
On a quick kink note: I hope my incessant post about life, addiction, and recovery don’t run anyone off. However, I will let you know that MrsL has been on this recent stint of leaving me completely unlocked when I am at home; especially now that it is just the two of us and I am naked all of the time. When I asked her the other day if I was sensing more of an orgasm control/denial mindset from her as opposed to enforced chastity…her reply…
For now, it is much more fun for me to have full access to you. I LOVE having you on the edge of orgasm right now. Don’t worry, when your current travel is over my Steelheart will be locked right back where it belongs.