Confused

It has now been nearly 3 weeks out of the Steelheart.  I have been unlocked this long before but it was for a long overseas trip.  I am really confused on what is happening but I believe everything is okay.

During my last extended breakaway, MrsL made it perfectly clear she was in charge of when the Steelheart was to be removed and when she wanted it locked back on me.  I got a short but intense spanking after dropping hints all day about being locked up and as she was coaxing a nice bright shade of red from my ass with her riding crop she reinforced her control of the Steelheart.

MrsL does make it rather frustratingly enjoyable when she leaves me unlocked for long periods of time.  She has direct access to her (and she reminds me it is hers daily) cock & balls.  I am not allowed underwear, when 20 is at home and I can’t be completely naked, so she can play with her “toys” anytime she wants.  I am happy to report she does just that…several times a day.  Most recently, while on one a conference call yesterday before she hopped in the shower for a lunch date with a neighbor she stripped, sat down in front of my chair, and slowly stroked me to a near orgasm (yes 20 was at work).  I am so damn glad I have mute on my Bluetooth.  Then, at the end of the day with 20 in the shower after a day of life guarding, she shoved me against the cabinets in the kitchen, clamped her vicious little fingers on each nipple, and done something she hasn’t done in a long long time…started kneeing my balls.  I LOVED IT.  My nipples are still sore but I LOVED IT.  I nearly had an orgasm just from the nipple abuse then when she added in the ball busting…well…good thing she knows how to read my face and breathing!  I was left horny, dripping, and sore as she walked away asking when dinner would be ready!

I still crave orgasms.  However, I still crave being locked up in steel much more.  It is confusing!  Thumper really made me stop and think about my own inner feelings and comfort level around enforced chastity earlier this week in his post Can’t stop the feeling when he said:

“Being unlocked with a crotch unemcumbered is by far a weirder feeling for me than the opposite. Belle could make a rule for me tomorrow that said I am to always be locked unless she’s using the penis and I’d be thrilled. Being in bed and rolling over on my stomach and not feeling a hard lump pushing back at my hips makes me feel a little less grounded and centered. Having a constricted, inaccessible erection is deeply satisfying (that word again) and even comforting.”

Now, we haven’t been living an enforced chastity lifestyle nearly as long as he has with his wonderful wife, Belle; however, in the year and 5 months we have I really have grown accustomed to having shiny steel locked around MrsL’s cock.  It is a comfort level knowing that when I wake up at 3:00 a.m. with a raging hard on there is nothing I can do about it.  It is hard sitting on conference calls to not get bored and reach for the unlocked cock and start jerking it to an orgasm.  I need that confining feeling to be happy.

So, therein lies the conundrum for me.  I want and still crave orgasms. Even though I have not masturbated to an orgasm I have caught myself with cock in hand stroking a few times.  I want to lock the Steelheart back on myself!  Again the confusion:  if I lock myself back up is she going to be upset or will she be happy?  We have worked hard to make all decisions about my orgasms HERS!  But, that little animalistic voice in my head keeps whispering: go ahead…just jerk off one time…she will never know…. keeps getting louder.

Thankfully, the more rational inner voice drowns out the other:  knucklehead…just talk to her.  Explain what is going on and she will understand…you know you want and need to be in chastity.

Hopefully tonight will resolve this.  She has already indicated she wants to play when 20 goes to work at 3.  I will be done for the day by that point.  The only thing I know she has planned is maintenance discipline and trying out her new electro play set…other than that…I can only hope she locks the Steelheart back in place.  Otherwise, I am going to explain what is going on in my head and ask her to lock it back in place.  I like the unlocked orgasm control aspect of things right now…but not enough to not go back to enforced chastity!

On a side note:  I have shown MrsL this little jewel from Steelwerks and explained it can be made in 100% titanium…making it metal detector friendly for travel.  She is “thinking about it.”  Don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing…all I know…I would be extremely happy and content if she locked one of these on me and left it locked for a long long long time!


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