I need to put it out there right up front….we are not living a true D/s lifestyle. MrsL has become fantastically more confident in the bedroom and with the tease/denial/orgasm control dynamic. However, we are conversing in our journal about her being more dominant in all things…it is a work in progress. Now on with the post….
I’ve been mulling this post over for several weeks. After reading Steeled Snake’s brilliant commentary on the subject as well as Domina Jen’s wonderful analysis of Submissive Men, I have really thought about what it is that makes me want, no need, to be submissive to MrsL. Quite honestly, I still can’t put my finger on it completely but let me try and explain.
Within the past 36 hours there have been two great examples of the quandary I find myself in at times relating to my sub feelings. They really make me question the dynamic we have here. The first was Monday evening.
As MrsL was prepping me for the anal fun planned for the evening, she looked at me and with a stern matter-of-fact voice said “speak now about anything you want done or don’t say another word the rest of the night…” My comment back to her was I am your canvass to do with as you please. I even followed that up with a reference to the only words she would hear from me were the safe words if things got to intense. Moments later when I saw her picking up the Bose headphones and walking around the bed with them I without even thinking about it asked “please no headphones tonight” Even though she glared at me and called me out about being silent, MrsL didn’t put the headphones on me. I could sense her frustration a bit as she cinched my arms to the bed.
How can I reconcile the fact that I say I need to be submissive to her yet still break the rules she has established for our play time. I mean isn’t what I did the true definition of topping from the bottom? Not only that, I wrote about how I “took a chance” and started using the dildo on her even though she said her pussy was off limits to me for the entire evening. Who was the dominant one? Then this morning she didn’t let me give her the normal morning wake up call when I am at home. I always start with a gentle full body rub down that ultimately finds me rolling her over to give her one or more orgasms. Very rarely does she ever stop me. Now, one could argue that she is allowing me to give her orgasms each morning therefore it is her decision…but is it really? Today she did stop me and instead teased me for several minutes leaving me with a full Steelheart and a strong level of frustration. However, just before she walked away I asked her if I was being to presumptuous in always initiating the sexual contact between us. She did reply that I could always try to start sexual contact but it was ultimately up to her if it continued.
So, there is a glimmer of a true Domme in her!
Still, there are so many other things in our daily life that doesn’t fit the vision I have in my head. Therein, lies the problem!!
Every D/s relationship is unique and it is up to the couple to define the boundaries and set limits. As I have read through this post the thing that reaches out and slaps me in the face is the predominance of the word “I”. Coming to grips with truly submitting to MrsL is going to be a long journey for us both. Why?
First, there is MrsL Catholic upbringing where the man was the head of the household. I mean it took me nearly 18 months of marriage and finally hurting her feelings then apologizing to get her to stop making my plate for dinner every night. That is something her Mom has done for years she thought it was expected. Now, I am doing my best to make her plate for dinner. It is a struggle but we are getting there. Other areas like: opening doors for her, housework, laundry, dishes, etc. etc. are still a joint effort. Does that make it less D/s? I don’t know…should it?
If she wants/needs to do housework and I am here is that me being less submissive? If I am washing up the cookware and she comes over and starts drying and putting them away…all the while…we are talking and enjoying each others company…does that mean she is less dominant. My initial thought is no. She is choosing to help and we are enjoying each other.
Second, there is the whole male stereotype thing going on in my head. How am I suppose to be the “man of the house” if I am submitting to her? Well, I saw a quote recently on Tumblr that really helped me with this. It read in part:
“Remember that submission is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking about yourself less.”
It went on to read:
“And what could be more beautiful that a male really wanting to please a woman and do whatever it takes to make her happy.”
To me, that sums up where I am right now. I do not think about me first. MrsL still struggles with that at times. I have adopted a few of my own self imposed rules: always opening the door for her, waiting until she is seated and taking a bite of her meal before I do, giving up almost complete control of the television remote (there are only 3 or 4 shows other than soccer and baseball that I care to watch…luckily she does to…). Seriously, what guy out there sits through as much Hallmark Television as I do…? But it is okay because it makes her happy. She is, by all accounts, a HELPLESS ROMANTIC and has for years told me that all she wanted was to be treated like a princess. Now she is my Princess!
Another great example of this centers around me giving her orgasms with my tongue. In the past, when I would be trying to bring her to an orgasm orally I was always more focused on stroking my cock. Not any more! She had a strong full body orgasm the other evening…so much so that it lasted longer than any she has had recently. Her body pulsed in my mouth for several minutes causing her to have a physical release of her own cum which I drank in and savored! As I was cuddling with her and explaining just how awesome it felt to make her cum I mentioned how in the past I could never have been so in tune with her body. With a slightly puzzled look she asked why. When I told her that I used to always be more focused on stroking my cock than paying attention to her she smiled and said, “Well that is not an issue any more…” The great thing about this situation….I was unlocked. Honestly, I don’t even remember if I had an erection while making her cum….!
So, I’ve rambled on now for over 1000 words. I am not sure I have solved anything or not. What I do know is this: MrsL and I will figure out what works best for the two of us within the D/s dynamic. If we never get to a full fledged FLM…that is okay….! If we DO get to a full fledged FLM…even better!!