I guess that is the best way to describe this post.
The frustrating part of our situation with our son is his bouts of depression come from his current never ending cycle of using, crashing, and trying to recover. Like so many of folks his age, myself included during high school and when I went off to college, he got lost in alcohol. That led to “skittles parties” (where everyone brings a handful of whatever pills they can find in their parents house throw them in a bowl and you grab a handful) and and addiction to pain pills after wisdom teeth extraction and being t-boned by an uninsured driver. Ultimately, as all of the counselors we talked to told us, it led to an addiction to the scourge of society today…heroin. We thought since he hated needles it would never happen but he found someone who “shot” him up the first time and he forgot all about that fear of needles.
I have talked to him and my youngest son both since they were old enough to be tempted telling them they come from a long line of addiction and from what I have researched and studied addiction is a hereditary problem. Both sides of my family, maternal and paternal, have many people who were and still are addicts to either alcohol or pills. I nearly got lost down that rabbit hole in college with alcohol but one afternoon my senior year I had “that” moment when I realized where I was headed and stopped drinking for nearly two years. I guess my desire to be successful overpowered the urge. I can now have a drink or two but am mindful of my desires to drink. Even MrsL tells me she was getting worried about me and nearly called off our engagement because of it…I am glad she didn’t!
However, when I stop and think about it I do have an addiction, masturbation, and it nearly ruined my marriage.
What is so frustrating is he thinks he is so damn clever that we don’t notice when he uses. I don’t need a drug test to know when he has found someone to sell or give him pain pills or the other stuff. Everything about him changes.
This time started back around October with one or two “Dad it is a one time thing I am just stressed about finals” moments. Then an old buddy from high school just happened to show up at his work and “gave” him some 20 mg hydrocodone, a breakup with his girlfriend then a chance encounter with a dealer he contends he still owes money to from 5 years ago all rolled in to the final trigger that sent him to a zero balance bank account, stealing from us, then that familiar cry for help when we confront him on something missing.
He is so stubborn (I wonder where he gets that from???) and thinks he can control the drugs. Even after nearly killing himself in his last dwi incident, the guard rail passed through the front windshield inches from his head, and a 2nd near death experience with a heroin overdose, thank God there was a good Samaritan who called 911 when they saw him slumped over the steering wheel, he thinks he can handle it. He also thinks that he can continue to hang around “friends” that he used with, bought from, or are recovering as well and it won’t be an issue…wrong…so damn wrong!!!
My mind tells me that he is really going to have to bottom out and experience truly hitting the bottom: no roof over his head, cold, hungry, broke! The only way to do that is kicking him out of the house because I feel like we ENABLE this behavior. However, my parental emotions tell me if I do what my mind wants I would possibly never see him again or the next time I did would be in a morgue. Right now, the emotions always win.
So, here we are again: him cocooning in his room while he copes with withdrawal and MrsL and I trying to figure out what’s next. Until he truly admits he is an addict and suffers from depression he will never learn to cope. Again, I know as I have watched a grandfather, Mom, and sister all go through this same cycle….repeatedly.
The silver lining in this: my youngest son has no desire to drink and when he had his wisdom teeth out only wanted Aleve.
I hate feeling helpless and that is exactly how I feel right now with him. All I can continue to do is be there when he falls and keep pointing in the right direction hoping some day, and soon, he will see it is indeed the right direction and take it!