After a crazy weekend that saw my youngest son have his first accident while driving back to school, my oldest son continue to take huge steps in beating his addiction and getting on with his life, and MrsL having a very succesful sales show, I am sitting in an empty and silent house. I can’t help but reflect on how life has evolved since February of this year. Yes, my youngest son is fine. His car on the other hand…not so much. We will hear from the insurance tomorrow on next steps.
Sitting here in the silence and thinking about where MrsL and I are today is fantastic. I can’t stop thinking about her…just like it was when we first started dating! To say that chastity has saved my marriage might be bit of an overstatement. I mean, MrsL and I have been together as a couple longer than we have been apart (if that makes sense) and have had many ups and downs in our marriage. However, even a magical trip to Maui for our 25th anniversay last year couldn’t and more importantly didn’t, put a spark back in our love life. We would fool around and have sex, usually on a schedule, there just wasn’t any spark. As I look back, I know she was never satisfied because all I was focused on was my orgasm…not making her feel special. I couldn’t even look her in the eye most of the time. Divorce never crossed my mind; however, I did feel trapped. Then I had the epiphany.
I can’t stress how “dating” MrsL again and making sure she knows just how special she is every minute of every day is magical. Simple things like holding hands again while in public, opening every door for her, realizing her entire body is an erogenous zone, looking at her big beautiful blue eyes when we are talking, and telling her often how much I adore her among many many other things have put a spark back in our life…not just out love life. She knows just how special she is and how much she means to me and I would not have it any other way.
Every once in awhile, I have a fleeting thought about not having to deal with the Steelheart then I come to my senses. I recently reminded her in our private journal about a question she asked me earlier this year when she realized I was serious about chastity this time. She asked me: “how long do you think you want to be in chastity…a month?” I told her then I didn’t know. You see, in each of the last several times we played at chastity I would start making excuses after a week and by the end of a month she lost interest and do did I. Here is what I wrote her just this week:
“Do you remember when you asked me how long I wanted to stay in chastity earlier this year and I replied I didn’t know. I still don’t know. Earlier this week, while you were focused on prepraring for your sales show, I was sitting here on the couch desperately trying to get any sort of feeling through my Steelheart and if I weren’t wearing it I would have went in to the bathroom and masturbated. Then all day Friday when I was unlocked I had NO DESIRE to even touch myself because I knew how upset you would be and how disappointed I would be….so I STILL DON’T know.”
So, how does all of this tie back to the silence right now…having time to just sit back, reflect, and have a stream of consciousness post is a very comforting.